Monday, January 18, 2010

How to get your food spit on in 8 simple steps

This is an article I wrote for fun. I hope you enjoy it. If you have ever worked in food service than you will greatly appreciate it!

When the weekend arrives we all want the same thing, to go out to a restaurant where we don’t have to cook or clean up after anyone. We want the server to take care of us, and most importantly, we want to have someone that we can blame and yell at for whatever goes wrong, just for fun! Being rude and arrogant is the best way to act when you go out to a restaurant, and below you will learn easy steps to do just that!

Step #1: Your arrival

Now, if you are going to a nice restaurant where you need to have a reservation then be sure to be late! Just about 15 minutes late should do it. This way the host can scramble around trying to find a table for you since she just gave yours away. If you are just going to a casual dining restaurant, then try to choose a busy time of night, for example, 6pm on a Friday or Saturday should do fine. This way you can complain about the wait time. Be sure to tell the host that you have been waiting forever even if it has been only 10-20 minutes. You need to show that you did not want to be waiting at all. When you are taken to your table, it is time for the next step.

Step #2: I refuse to sit there!

Never, ever sit where the host tries to put you. Be sure that you complain about the area being too cold or too warm. You can also say that you don’t want to be so close to the front door, or the bathroom, or that noisy table that is next to you. If you are given a table, be sure to ask for a booth and, of course, vice versa. Be sure to state plainly, “I refuse to sit there! This is not what I wanted!”

Step #3: I don’t want a beverage I’ll just have water

In the last step if you performed well enough, it is likely your server has already been warned about you. That means you are on the right track! As soon as your server comes to the table and greets you, it is likely she will ask how you are doing. This part is key: be sure you either ignore her completely or just look at her with a disgruntled face and say in a clipped tone, “Fine, if you call waiting for an hour in that frigid entrance way being fine!” If your server is worth her salt, she will likely apologize to you for any inconvenience and move on to asking you for your beverage order. Now when this happens you need to say, “I don’t want anything to drink right now, I’ll just take an ice water with not too much ice and a slice of lemon.” If you see a tight-lipped smile on your server’s face then give yourself a pat on the back because you have successfully annoyed her already!

Step #4: I’ll have the same, oh except I want to change…

Alright it is now time for your order to be placed. There are a few ways you can handle this. First, when your server brings your water back to the table and asks if you are ready to order, be sure you ignore her again as if she weren’t standing there. Then, when she asks again, look at her with a disgruntled or irritated facial expression and say, “I guess so.” Now be sure to say that you want to order last and do not be ready when it is your turn. However, make sure you tell the server you just need one more second so that she has to stand there looking at you while you “decide.” If the person you are with has ordered something you like, then say, “I’ll have exactly what he’s having.” Now for the tricky part, just as your server goes to put away her pen add on, “except I do not want my steak rare, I want it medium well. Also I don’t want the baked potato, I’ll take carrots instead.” This way your order that was exactly the same is actually quite different. Another great thing to do here is to make your server repeat herself. If she just rattled off a list of the vegetables for your date, then be sure you were not paying attention, so that she has to do it again. After she has told you what they have, ask for a side order that she did not mention and that you did not see on the menu. For example, if she tells you that the restaurant has broccoli, carrots, or a vegetable medley, be sure you ask for green beans. The final part of your order should be given as she is leaving your table. Just as she starts to walk away yell after her, “Oh and I will take a sprite to drink now.”

Step # 5: Work for that tip

Now that you have placed your order, it is time to get serious about interrupting. It is likely you have gotten a salad, soup, or another appetizer with your dinner. When your appetizer or salad arrives, be sure to ask the server what took so long. Remember it is always the server’s fault and never the kitchens. As your server leaves, be sure to ask for a refill on your beverage. Then as soon as your beverage is brought back, ask for a refill for your date’s drink. Following the return of that, ask for something a simple such as extra napkins, or dressing, or anything you can think of. Remember your server should be running to earn those two dollars you will be leaving her. This should not only be done when your appetizer arrives but when you are eating your meal as well.

Step# 6: Interruption at the correct time

An important aspect of asking for things is knowing the correct time to interrupt. The best time is when your server is at another table. When you see her across the room, you should do one of three things, wave incessantly using your arm as a pinwheel, snap your fingers, or simply shout at her. This is sure to get you prompt service.

Step #7: Dealing with management aka earning well deserved free food

It is possible that by now your server may have told a manager on duty that you are unhappy. If they have it is likely that the manager will be coming over to you. When he or she come to your table and asks how you are doing, your response should be as follows, “Absolutely awful. The food is terrible and the service is nowhere near what it should be. I don’t think I will ever be coming back here again!” At this point the manager will most likely apologize profusely and offer you a free dessert or, if you have truly done your job, a free meal. A bonus of your complaints could be that your server might be suspended or lose her job. This would entail that you have indeed done a great job because one person’s happiness is worth another lower person’s misery.

Step #8: The tip

Now that your meal is over and you have most likely eaten dirt, spit, crud from the floor, and some tasty bodily fluids it is time to give your server that all important two dollars she deserves. Remember you ran her around hard all evening and she really earned that tip. If you truly feel you had exceptional service you should be sure to leave the tip in change, and be sure it is nickels and pennies because that is what servers love to get. A nice pile of change preferably with some sort of sugary sticky substance left from a soft drink on it. If when you get out to the parking lot your server follows you and throws the change in your face yelling “hey jackass you forgot your change,” then you deserve a pat on the back for a job well done.

© Copyright Nicole Schiavoni 2010

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, I love this! It is so true, every word. People who read this who have never worked in a restaurant are probably thinking that this is just an exaggeration but there are people that do this! I once had a lady change her baby at the table! And then to top it off she left the dirty diaper there for me to clean up! Oh, I was so mad. The kids at Uno's that would come in from Sesame Place would think it was fun to crush up all crackers and crumbley food everywhere and there parents would think it was cute or not even say a word about how I would need to be cleaning that up later. They would just top it off with some soggy money that they went down the log floom with. Oh the pleasures of making money.