"What goes down, must come up"

“What goes down, must come up”

She sat at the desk staring off into space. There was a notebook in front of her full of sentences. An open book lay next to the notebook, and she held a pen in her right hand. She had straight blonde hair, which fell to her shoulders in waves. Her blue eyes weren’t focused and appeared to be off in another world. She was sitting in English class at her local suburban high school. As she stared into space, a man stood at the front of the room lecturing to a class of students who were not paying attention at all. There were boys flicking spitballs at each other and girls doing their make-up. No one seemed to be paying attention to the man in the front of the room.

Ring! Ring! The bell rang signaling the end of the period.

The blonde girl’s eyes blinked, and she quickly gathered her books and stood up. She walked out of the classroom and into a sea of students. The hallways were so crowded, she could barely move without bumping into someone. Lost in her own world of thoughts, she glided along towards her next class.

“Gaby! Gaby!” a boy shouted across the hall. He was 5’8’’, just two inches taller then her. He had olive skin and dark hair that would have been an afro if he didn’t keep it shaved so close to his scalp. His father was Egyptian, and you could see the heritage in the boy.

She slowed down and wound through a maze of students to where the boy was shouting from. “Hey, Brian. What’s up?” the girl asked.

“Not much. Just on my way to trig.”

“Yeah. I’m on my way to Algebra. Ugh. I hate having math at the end of the day,” she whined rolling her eyes at the ceiling.

“Definitely. It sucks! Hey, are we still going out after school?”

“I guess so. We chillin’ at your place, or are we going out?”

“I don’t know. I guess—”

Ring! Ring! The bell interrupted him.

Giving him a quick hug, Gaby shouted, “We’ll figure it out later. I’ll meet you at your car.” She quickly ran across the hall and ducked into a classroom as he ran off in the opposite direction.

* * * * *

She walked across the school’s parking lot and down the street. She went down behind the shopping center to the parking lot that was behind the stores. Throwing her book bag onto the trunk of Brian’s car, she hopped up onto the trunk and sat down to wait for him. Tucking her legs up to her chest, her mind began to wander off to what she had been thinking about all day. It was what she thought about everyday.

I’m never going to be thin enough. I can’t believe I ate so much for lunch, and I’m hungry again. Ugh, I don’t know how anyone can stand to look at me. I need to work out extra hard at practice tonight. I hope coach assigns us hundreds of crunches. Wait, that’s crazy why would I want to do hundreds of crunches. Oh, yea, cause I’m a fat cow. Duh! I better not eat anything else today. Ugh! I hate the way I look.

Meanwhile, as Gaby was slowly sinking into her usual depressed state, Brian was walking across the parking lot staring at her. His mind was wandering as well—only it was on her. I wish we were more then just friends. How am I going to get her to understand that I like her? She knows, but I don’t think she really gets it. I would do anything for her. We’ve been best friends forever, but I wish we were more. He looked at her sitting on his car. She was wearing blue jeans and her favorite tight purple t-shirt. Her blonde hair was blowing in the wind, but she wasn’t paying attention. He could see that her knees were drawn up to her chest and she was lost in thought. Her gaze was fixed on something far in the distance that he knew only she could see. She’s so beautiful, he thought to himself. I wish she thought so. He knew that his friend had issues with her appearance and her weight, and he always tried to convince her she was perfect. However, like most teenage girls, she argued with him and said she was fat.

He knew her problems went deeper then the average female, because she was always so unhappy. He wanted to help her feel better about herself, but he didn’t know how. The two of them were like two peas in a pod. They were so close that if one was in pain then so was the other. Sometimes they joked that they were soul mates or two halves of a whole. He wished she wasn’t kidding around when they talked about it, but what he didn’t know was that she did truly feel that way. She just had so much going on she didn’t want to risk losing him on top of it. He was her everything.

“Hey, Gaby. Whatcha doing?” Brian asked as he hopped up onto the back of the car with her.

“Just thinking, Bri. You know me. I think too much.”

“So, where are we going?” he asked.

“Whatever. Why don’t we just go back to your place till we decide?”

“Ok. Let’s get out of this place,” he said, jumping off the car and offering her a hand down.

She took his hand and hopped off the car. Grabbing her bag and opening the car door, she threw her backpack onto the back seat. She sank into the passenger seat and looked over at her best friend. “Bri-bri,” she said fluttering her eyelashes at him, “can we pppllleeease put the top down.”

He rolled his eyes, “A’ight, but if you whine about your hair getting messed up, I so do not want to hear it.”

“Thank you, love. I just feel like having the wind on my face today,” she said reaching up to unhook the clasp on her side of the car.

The roof was fastened to the car by a metal clasp on both sides. Once both of them had unhooked each side of the roof, Brian pressed a button and the roof slid off and into the trunk. He had a silver Chrysler Lebaron with a convertible top and black leather seats. It was ten years old, a 1990, but that just gave it character.

Gaby leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. “It’s been such a long day. I can’t wait to just relax.”

Brian put the car in gear and sped out of the parking lot and down the street. “Yea, I know I thought today was never gonna end.”

“Hey, Gaby, I’m starving you want to go grab something to eat?” he looked at her out of the corner of his eye, as he asked.

“Sure, why not,” she responded in a normal voice, but her mind filled with dread and she kept her eyes closed trying not to think of what lay ahead.

“Let’s go to Wendy’s,” Brian said. They were right across the street from one, so he slowed down and turned into the parking lot. He shut the engine off and opened his door.

“I don’t feel like putting the top up so just grab your bag, k-ay?”

“Bri, I don’t feel like carrying my books, I just lugged them around all day,” she whined.

“Fine,” he rolled his eyes, “as usual I’ll do it for you.” He went to reach for her bag, as they got out of the car.

“No, whatever, I’ll do it,” she grabbed her bag.

They walked across the black top and towards Wendy’s. As they reached the door he held it open for her saying, “After you sweetheart,” in a fake gentleman’s tone.

She laughed, “Why thank you kind ser,” she rolled her eyes at him, and walked into the store.

They walked up to the line and leaned against the metal railings, while deciding what to have.

“Can I help you?” a young man asked, from behind the cash register.

“Yeah, I’ll have a junior bacon cheeseburger meal, with a large cherry coke,” Brian said. “What do you want Gaby?” he turned to look at her.

“Umm, I guess I’ll just get my usual,” she told Brian.

Then she turned to the young kid at the register and said, “I’ll have a small diet coke with no ice and a taco salad.” She went to reach for her wallet, but was stopped by Brian’s voice.

“Don’t worry about it, Gaby, like I ever let you pay, anyway,” he rolled his eyes at her and handed the boy a twenty.

“I’ll take our bags to a booth. You grab the food. Ok?” Gaby told Brian.

“A’ight, grab napkins and straws on your way,” Brian said, handing her his school bag.

She wandered over to a booth and dumped their things on the seats. Then she walked over to the condiments bar and grabbed ketchup, napkins, and straws. She walked back to the booth and sat down to wait for Brian.

He appeared a minute later and put the tray of food down in front of her. “Dig in!”

She smiled and reached for her soda and salad. She put her salad, chips, chili, and soda in front of herself, and then pushed the tray back over towards him.

Ok, she thought to herself, its just food. It’s not even that fattening. I can do this. I should eat something. It’s only food. She had a pattern for how she ate. It was like a little game she played with herself, whenever she ate. The soda went in the top right corner. She placed the salad in the middle with the lid taken off and slightly to the right. She opened the chili and dumped it into the lid of the salad, and she started picking all the beans out of the chili and putting them in a napkin.

Brian rolled his eyes at her, “Gaby, you are so crazy. The beans are the best part of chili.”

“Well, I think they’re gross,” she responded without taking her eyes from the task she was completing.

When it came to food, everything had to be perfect. She finished picking out all of the beans and carefully poured the chili back into its cup. Then she got up and took the salad lid and the napkin of beans to the trash. Sitting back down she opened the bag of tortilla chips and put it to the left of the salad bowl, and the chili went to the right of the salad bowl.

By this time Brian was already done half his burger, but he knew she was obsessed when it came to how she ate. “I love you even though your nuts,” he told her smiling.

“I’m not nuts, Bri. I’m OCD. Duh there’s a difference.”

“Yea, whatever, I still say your nuts.”

She rolled her eyes and finally started to eat.

* * * * *

They were both finished eating, but still had no plans on what to do later. “Want me to get us some chocolate milkshakes,” Gaby asked.

“Dude,” he said smiling at her.

She rolled her eyes, knowing that meant yes, and got up to go buy them. She felt guilty about it, but knew it would be easier if she had ice cream.

After buying them she went back to the table and started drinking. Ok, it’s not terrible. I just ate too much. I can’t not do it. Thank God for the ice cream. At least it won’t hurt as much this time, she thought to herself.

“Earth to Gaby, come in Gaby,” Brian waved his hand in her face. “You’re like lost in another world. Whatcha’ thinking about?”

“Oh, nothing, just about how much work we have to do at practice tonight to get ready for nationals. I can’t believe they’re only 3 weeks away.” She felt guilty about lying to him, but technically she was worried about nationals, that just wasn’t what she was currently thinking about.

“Gaby, you guys are awesome. You’ll kick ass in Texas. I’m still taking you tonight right?” he asked her.

“Yea, if you can. Are you going to stay and watch?”

“If you want me to, than of course. I’m always up for watching girls in tight shorts do flips and splits,” he laughed.

She was an all-star cheerleader, and her squad was going to nationals in Dallas, Texas, that year.

“Hey, Bri, I’ll be right back. I’m just gonna run to the bathroom before we go.” She opened her backpack and grabbed her black purse as she stood up. She felt guilty as she walked to the bathroom but couldn’t stop herself. It was as if she was compelled by some force that would not let her stop. What goes down, must come up, she thought to herself. At least it will be easier because of the ice cream.

She walked down the little hallway that led to the bathroom, opened the door and began what had become a frighteningly familiar process. She closed the large gray door and locked it. Her purse was thrown onto the floor next to the door. She flipped her head upside down and taking the black hair band off her wrist she put her hair into a quick messy bun on top of her head. She always had the hair band for when she needed it. Using the toe of her left shoe, she kicked up the toilet seat. Leaning over the bowl she stuck her pointer and middle finger of her right hand down her throat. What goes down, must come up, she thought to herself again.

* * * * *

She was finished. She used her foot to the flush the toilet and kick the seat down. Calmly she walked over to the mirror and turning on the faucet she rinsed off her hands and then splashed cold water on her face. She glanced at her hand, Next time I’m going to have to switch fingers or I’m going to get a mark on my knuckles from the acid. She was meticulous about making sure nothing appeared out of the ordinary. The steps she went through to clean up were like second nature to her now.

She gargled with cold water twice and then took a paper towel to dry off her face. She reached over to her purse and picked it up from the floor. She took out eye drops, a hairbrush, a pack of gum, and lip gloss, and laid them out on the sink. First, she popped a piece of gum into her mouth. Then she took the hair tie out and brushed her hair out, so it was shiny and flowing down to her shoulders again. Then she picked up the eye drops, and leaned her head back, putting one drop in each eye. She blinked, and her eyes were clear again. Unruffled from what she had just done, she glossed her lips and smiled into the mirror, but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Just like new, he’ll never notice. Picking up her purse from the counter she put everything back in and opened the bathroom door.

As she was walking back to Brian, she thought, Ok it’s just this once. I won’t do it again. I’ll eat healthier and just work out extra hard. I can do this. I could stop if I wanted to. She slapped a smile into place, and saw Brian see her, and a smile light up his face. A little voice in the back of her head said, Yea right, you won’t do it again, until next time.


© copyright Nicole Schiavoni 2008